Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I deserve this hangover.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
