why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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