i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize