apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
