im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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