I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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