so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
