There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
