they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You are the jesus of drinking
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
