I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
