mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
