The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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