Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
