I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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