Moan for me like Helen Keller
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
