you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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