So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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