I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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