im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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