The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
