yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
