I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
