im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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