I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
