But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
