I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize