please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
