I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
