i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
