There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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