the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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