We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
