Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
