At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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