so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
