she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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