There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
