Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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