I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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