you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
