the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
