Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
