Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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