My first STD was from a foam party
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I need to stop coming to work sober
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize