so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
