I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
