that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
