I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
