There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
