he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
