i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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