tonight lets celebrate not being married
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
