I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
