Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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