I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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