oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
