I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
