ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Randomize
